The Formerly United States of America
United States
There came a time when the United States finally took its partisan bickering seriously. The time came on national TV.
The nation finally got serious, though it didn't appear so at the time, during a hot-issue debate between two senators. It barely mattered what the hot issue was since the senators were barely debating. They were screaming campaign slogans at each other.
There came a freak millisecond pause. The host pseudo-sadly observed the lawmakers' irreconcilable differences. "What are you doing," he wailed for the cameras. "What about the children," he moaned for the studio audience.
A woman in the studio audience disobeyed the KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT DURING THE DEBATE sign flashing overhead. "Get a divorce!" she yelled.
The senators shut their mouths and looked dumbfounded at each other. A stunned silence struck the studio.
Someone in the crowd began a chant. "Get a divorce! Get a divorce!" One person shouted, "How about a separation?" The crowd laughed, amplifying their giddiness. "Get a divorce! Get a divorce!" The host kept his mouth shut as he watched the producer count down the time before the commercial break. With three seconds left he turned to the senators and proÂnounced, "You have heard the people. It's up to you." And they were off the air.
So the United States of America got a divorce.
It's not easy to put asunder states that have been joined together for so long. There are laws, armed forces, an electric grid, a currency, taxes, roads, cables, postage stamps, passports, state lines, and area codes. Everybody recognized that there were benefits to staying connecÂted. Nobody wanted to start dating other countries, at least not until they were ready.
What they really wanted was two separate Constitutions. They wanted two separate presidents, Congresses, and Supreme Courts. They wanted two separate tax codes. The rest they were willing to maintain and share.
So here's what they worked out. State lines stayed the same, but each state could pledge its allegiance to the Blue States of America or the Red States of America. Moreover, they could switch allegiance in each four-year election cycle. You might live in Kansas, BSA, this year, and next year live in Kansas, RSA.
Red and Blue agreed to keep the dollar, 120 volts AC, NASA, and driving on the right side of the street. They wouldn't require that you show your papers at Checkpoint Moon Unit or Checkpoint Billy Bob. They wouldn't rename anything: North Dakota would still be North Dakota, and it would remain North Dakota even if it changed color.
General elections in each state became contests between slates of Red and Blue candidates. Party primaries thereby got all the action because they would deterÂmine the state's shade of blue or red. The general election was a simple Blue/Red choice.
States determined their color by the slate they chose. If the Blue state slate won where you lived, your state would turn or stay Blue as of the next January 20. If Red, then Red.
This arrangement meant there was no longer a reason to contest bitterly the "swing" states because there was no longer anything to "swing." Colorado could only affect Colorado.
With no swing states, presidential candidates were free to decide which states they wanted. If people in a Blue state wanted to go Red, they'd have to convince the Red candidate that she or he ought to pursue their state. Basket-case states suddenly found themselves frozen out. Why bring in a hard-to-manage or economically strapped state? (The phrase "welfare state" took on new meaning.) Some wags predicted it was only a matter of time before a candiÂdate recommended that a state vote for his or her opponent. "You're very nice people but all in all I think you'd be happier with the other side. Do come visit."
The BSA Constitution erected an impenetrable wall between church, synagogue, mosÂque, and other gathering places in which something or someone holy was hoped or presumed to be present, and state. Appealing to the beneficence of any deity while on state business was considered a misdemeanor punishable by counseling.
The RSA Constitution officially recognized God as playing an "inseÂparable and uncontestable" role in national life. God's contribution would be interpreted from Scripture as determined by a vote of the Council of Ordained Political Seminarians (motto: "States that pray together stay together"). God was given three seats in the RSA Senate and two on the RSA Supreme Court.
The electoral changes broke legislative logjams. Blue states mandated universal health coverage and debated only whether other species should be included. Red states prohibited universal health coverage and debated only whether that prohibition would begin at birth or at that gleam in at least one parent's eyes. Blue states often recorded a rise in elective surgeries, and Red states a dearth, before closely fought elections.
If your state went Blue (or Red), it would enforce the Blue (or Red) Constitution. That could be disruptive. For example, the Red Constitution permitted states to display the Ten Commandments, with or without a dramatic photo of Charlton Heston with clouds and lightning. The Blue Constitution permitted states to display the Tenets of Science, with or withÂout that playful photo of Albert Einstein sticking out his tongue. Some states, confident that they'd be colorfast for some time, chose to enshrine their credos in stone. Others opted for elecÂtronic displays that could easily be reprogrammed after an election, just in case. And an inclusive few offered generic encouragement, such as "Be Good, Be Kind, And Try to Pay, Your Taxes On Time."
In the first excited days of the new nations the BSA protected everyone from each other and the RSA armed everyone against each other. To facilitate cross-border harmony the RSA's governÂment-issued "Just Protecting Myself" guns were fitted with GPS systems that disabled the weapons in Blue states.
The RSA legalized drinking beer while driving pickup trucks. The BSA legalized marijuÂana. Sales of pickup truck replacement parts rose in the RSA. Sales of Fig Newtons rose in the BSA.
The BSA was terribly concerned about nasty corporations and careless citizens. It enacted consumer protection so rigorous that most people were not allowed to buy most products, which, in any case, most companies were not allowed to sell. But those people who could score, say, a toothbrush, reported feeling truly safe using it.
Wanting to preserve manufacturing jobs, the RSA banned recyÂcling. They also decided to cut tax rates to stimulate growth and to cut social services to save money. God voted in favor of the tax and service cuts, saying "I help those who help themÂselves." He also cast the deciding vote in the RSA Supreme Court to replace school lunch proÂgrams with school prayer.
The RSA began to resemble a reverent Wild West. The BSA began to resemble Sweden.
Of course there are always adjustments after a divorce. The nations occasionally appealed to England for counseling, which graciously bit its tongue and refrained from saying "we told you so." But all in all Blue and Red worked it out, and life went on.
Years later the woman who yelled "Get a divorce!" took ill and died. Her ashes were spread over all 50 states. Plaques were put on school walls everyÂwhere: KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN DURING THE DEBATE.
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Orignal From: The Formerly United States of America
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